Written by Manj Bahra, Transformation and Heartbreak Coach
As a rose is made up of many petals, each slightly different, we treat all of our relationships slightly differently. Our familial relationships are one thing, our romantic relationships are another, our work relationships are different again. We tend to categorise them. But are they really different? Are they not, like the petals of a rose, all part of the whole, with one scent, and hues of the same colour?
Because our romantic relationships become so deeply intertwined with our emotions, we often view them as separate to other relationships in life. But if we could view our behaviour post-breakup in the cooler light of day, would we see similarities with our behaviour in other relationships where conflict arises, particularly those at work? Because romance is where our passion is most clearly expressed, it brings out our extremes – positive and negative. In less extreme form, our other relationships elicit the same behaviour and traits.
By observing these traits in the intensity of post-breakup, we may get a clearer view into how these patterns are reflected elsewhere in our lives.
And if we feel those traits and patterns are holding us back, as they often do, it’s time to acknowledge them. By working on them, we enhance not only our romantic relationships, our work and friendship relationships, but also transform our lives.
Five key break-up traits
- Cognitive dissonance: the psychological tension caused with reconciling mixed signals. The mental distress from mixed signals becomes unbearable, to the point it’s almost impossible to focus on anything else but finding the truth. Trying to solve this through thinking leads to even more investment and makes it harder to move on.
- The Zeigarnik effect: the overwhelming desire for closure. The human brain has an insatiable desire for closure. Without this, our psyche dedicates twice as much bandwidth to the situation. However, seeking the closure you want from others, leaves you at their mercy. Just because you believe something, doesn’t mean it’s true for them.
- Dopamine feedback loops: the thrill of the chase. The roller-coaster of emotions caused by uncertainty and unpredictability causes the secretion of dopamine – a hormone that is like a drug. How can you move on when the highs make you euphoric and you have no idea what’s going to happen next?
- Your unconscious beliefs: how your past lives in your present and creates your future. When you struggle to move on, you likely have limiting beliefs about love and relationships, such as “I’m not good enough”. These beliefs become self-fulfilling prophesies that fuel self-sabotage, the development of unhealthy habits and constantly attracting the same situations.
- Secondary gain: the secret benefit of staying the same. The hidden reason you choose not to move on or the secret benefit of staying the same. For many, it is not wanting to close the door on hope or an absence of anything else they are passionate about in life. In most situations that are unwanted yet persistent, there is a payoff keeping you stuck.
Identifying patterns
When reading these five points, did any of them resonate with you? More than one? Do you look back on your relationships and see a repeat pattern? If you’ve spotted a thread that moves through your romantic relationships, that’s a good sign. Becoming aware of patterns is the first step towards changing them. It’s a good idea at this point, to write down where you see possible patterns and themes.
The next step is looking at whether these patterns and themes have a correlation in your work life, friendships, and family relationship patterns. For example, do you justify your boss’ bad behaviour even though you know it’s wrong? Do you tolerate unkind or abusive behaviour from your partner? This might be a case of cognitive dissonance.
Are you able to draw healthy boundaries in your dating life, and at work? Or do you say ‘yes’ to every work project that comes your way, taking on more than you should, and holding yourself to impossible standards? When things go wrong – as they inevitably will – do you lose all sense of self-worth and spiral into self-blame?
Do you have a tendency to put the people in your life on pedestals? Do you consider yourself worthy of your crush, or your job? Do you feel that people to take advantage of you? Do you over-analyse interactions with others and read into the tiniest details? Do you feel you get mixed signals from those around you?
How to break patterns
Having identified patterns and traits within your romantic relationships and becoming aware of how they’re affecting other areas of your life is a big step in changing yourself. Now to rank them in order of difficulty to break.
Can you start making boundaries with small things in your life? Decide on things you’re willing to accept and those you’re not. Small goals are achievable. From there, tackle bigger issues. People will respect those boundaries, even if they’re surprised initially, and you will feel empowered to tackle bigger issues.
Do you take what someone has said and try to discover what ‘they’re really thinking’ or do you take it at face-value? You’ll never find this out what people are ‘really thinking’, and by spending time trying to get closure is just a waste of precious time. Learn to let it go, without the closure you really want.
Are you staying in your job because you’re afraid of change? Is it more comfortable to be in an unpleasant situation than it would be making the change?
Making changes is uncomfortable, be it in your romantic relationships, or other areas of your life. Discomfort is in fact, a sign that you’re moving in the right direction. We’re comfortable with what we know, even if that’s an abusive situation. It’s familiar, and that’s comfortable. As soon as it’s uncomfortable, that’s a sure sign that you’re moving forward. Venture into discomfort and let your inner rose blossom.
About the author
Manj Bahra is The Heartbreak Coach. Helping 100+ clients across the globe, Manj has been described as “having the wisdom of a 300 year old man”. He combines neuroscience, psychology and coaching with wit and a warm heart for his clients. When Cupid’s arrow misses the mark, Manj’s guidance helps heal broken hearts, paves the way for love’s return and creates the environment for rapid transformation. Book a no-obligation, free discovery call here.
