Leading psychotherapist, Dr Gisele Caseiras, shares expert advice and tips for those feeling the pangs of their children flying the nest, particularly if they’ve largely parented alone:
“Whether you co-parent with your ex-partner or are bringing up your child / children on your own, when the time comes for them to pull away and start forging their own path – be it the first day of primary school of heading off to university – the feelings of separation can often hit ‘solo parents’ harder than those who live and parent together.
“It’s important to acknowledge that this transition can be a source of anxiety for all parents (whatever the familial ‘set-up’) as well as their ‘young people’ and recognise that the feelings of loss and sadness associated with this transition are entirely normal, regardless of whether the child is starting primary school for the first time, moving up to senior school or further afield to university in a new town or city.
“The impact caused by this ‘rite of passage’ varies greatly among parents who raise their child on their own. Those with strong social support networks may find it easier to cope. However, single parents who are navigating this experience alone, may face additional difficulties, with the transition to school or college marking a significant shift in the parent-child dynamic, which can lead to very real feelings of loneliness and fear, amongst the excitement and pride.
“Conversely, there might there be a sense of relief (perhaps in terms of childcare costs, more flexibility to work during the day) and it’s important that parents don’t give in to guilt about such feelings – it’s completely understandable to experience a mix of emotions. While there may be a sense of ‘freedom’ (whether financial or reclaiming time), these feelings can change daily and it is important to observe them, without judging yourself.
“You may experience feelings of worry and guilt, but you may also feel a sense of joy and delight for your child’s accomplishments and the adventures ahead of them (whether in study, work or travel). These emotions will fluctuate but can coexist.
“But single / solo parents often face unique challenges when their children transition to school or university. The strong bond formed over the years can make it difficult to let go – yet it’s important to remember that this transition is a natural part of life.
“On a practical level, one child in the family may have instinctively taken on daily chores and responsibilities that really help to lighten your load as a single parent such as looking after or collecting younger siblings from school, helping to prepare an evening meal as well as providing a mature, sounding board and source of friendship in the home, beyond a ‘parent-child’ relationship.
“This can of course be a tricky and painful step to navigate and an equally difficult void to fill, if you’re still going to need that additional help. So, as the time nears, start widening your circle of support where possible so the transition feels smooth and well-organised, enabling the child / young person to move onto their next adventure without worrying about how you’ll cope at home.
“This transition created by your children spreading their wings is a significant moment in any family’s life, but it is also a period that presents an opportunity for personal growth and strengthened relationships:
• Embrace the change: this phase is a natural part of parenting. While it may be difficult to let go, a positive approach can help you to navigate this transition Remember, your child’s growth and independence are essential for their future happiness.
• Maintain open communication: even as your child becomes more independent, maintaining open communication is crucial. Let them know you’re always there to listen, support, and provide guidance. They might not take up your offer as much as you want, or as much as they used to. That’s ok. Your child will know that you are there for them when they need it.
• Prioritise self-care: engage in activities you enjoy, spend time with friends and family, or explore new hobbies. Maintain your emotional well-being and be better equipped to support your child.
• Build a support network: connecting with other parents who are going through similar experiences can provide valuable support and understanding. Join parent groups, attend school events, or volunteer as a way of meeting other parents in your community.
• Reflect on your own needs: this can also be an opportunity for you to explore your own goals and aspirations. What do you want to achieve during this new phase of your life? What should you do to get there?
• Don’t compare your situation to others: it’s tempting to look at other so-called “traditional” families and assume that everything’s OK and they won’t be hurting as much as you because “they’ve got each other”. I can assure you, that’s not always the case – and an ‘empty nest’ is very often the trigger that causes couples (who may have co-parented for 20 years!) to re-evaluate their own relationship which can be an incredibly stressful period in a marriage / partnership. So, (for perhaps the first time in many years) focus on your needs, take some time for yourself…..and learn to embrace the liberty of simply “pleasing yourself”
• And don’t forget…your role as a parent is always evolving, but it will never disappear. You will always be a source of love, support, and guidance for your child, no matter how far they go.
Dr Gisele Caseiras PhD, MA, PG, MD is a Psychodynamic Psychotherapist working with children, adolescents, young people, parents and families. www.likeminds.london