Therapist Lisa Arterton shares her top tips for helping others who may be experiencing poor mental health
I’m Lisa Arterton & I am the self esteem queen. I say this because I’m a passion & purpose fuelled therapist on a mission to reduce the proportion of women stuck as doormats, people pleasers, stuck in undesirable situations thanks to rock bottom self worth! Using the power of neuroscience, I help women break free from the trauma of the negative relationships of their past, so they can rewrite their future & cycle break.
Imagine the world that you lived in as a child was like a minefield you had to navigate your way through. Should you step onto one of those mines, the significant adults around you could go off like a catastrophic bomb at any moment. And in order to survive your environment, you adopt some behaviours. Yet those very behaviours get stamped on you as labels – “troubled”.
The YOU then becomes invisible.
The issues surrounding support for mental health
Although much work has been done surrounding mental health, we still have only begun to scratch at the surface & there is still such a long way to go. Here I give you an insight into some of the problems that exist & some suggestions into how we can start to make more impactful waves of change – so that those who need help aren’t afraid to speak up & ask for it & they are able to move forward more quickly and confidently.
Did you know that children who have experienced multiple traumas in their lives, are much more likely to have mental health problems & serious medical conditions? Be it through their childhood or later on in life as adults?
This isn’t something there is a huge conscious awareness around, and often these children are branded as naughty, troublesome, challenging….
We have this huge blame culture that exists behind behaviours & what is considered stereotypically & socially “normal” and the worrying thing is that those at the forefront of the places where we access mental health support services – the very “gate keepers” you have to go through in order to access mental health help – are also often implicitly biased…and so many fall at this first hurdle when actually trying to access help. These “gate keepers” don’t mean to be of course, infact they do not even know consciously that they are being biased. That’s because implicit bias is an action, a thought, a completely unplanned subconscious response. For example, choosing a seat closer to someone of your own race.
There are also huge cultural issues – research has shown that a white middle class woman is more likely to be able to gain access to mental health services easier & quicker than a woman from ethnic minorities. What is that all about? These biases affect every aspect of the mental health care system from screening right through to treatment.
So there are problems that are stopping those with mental health challenges getting help, and there are problems with how those with mental health challenges are viewed. This seems crazy for me to write in 2022 when mental health has become so much more of a mainstream conversation, however there is still a bias we are fighting.
How not to speak to friends experiencing mental health issues
“What’s wrong with you?” ”That’s not normal behaviour” “You’re damaged goods” “You’ve got baggage” – these are some of the things my clients have experienced being said about them…..but you know the worst thing….these are then phrases they take on and speak to themselves…..because this is the danger of language we hear – we take it as truth then bring it into our own consciousness.
I believe that we ALL need to move more into seeing the person behind the behaviour & we must stop defining people by a label or diagnosis. Instead, view the behaviour as communication. Because behaviour IS communication. For example, if the behaviour could talk, what would it say?
How can we pick up on what people need by the way they are behaving? How can we be more conscious of the support they might require rather than just stamping a label on them?
Here are a few ideas you could try – with your friends, colleagues, family, or yourself – because the only way we are going to break the cycle of mentalism is when we really know what mental health looks like, to face it head on and consciously change our behaviour around it.
How can you offer support if a friend, colleague, neighbour is acting differently?
Here are my top 5 tips:
1) Ask them are you ok? And if they respond with ‘I’m fine’, ask twice – ‘are you sure you’re, ok?’
Sometimes people say they are ok when they are not. Asking twice can make all the difference.
2) Listen. More often than not, it is more important than any talking!
“An open ear reduces fear”. You do not have to have the answers, just listening & allowing someone to offload can make all the difference. Let them get it off their chest & show you are listening by saying something like “that sounds really tough.”
3) Do not try to fix it, just be their friend
It can be really difficult to open up, especially if you think the person won’t understand. Do not dismiss their feelings, acknowledge it must be difficult. Remember what they are feeling is real to them.
4) Be yourself
Do not treat them differently. Even though they may be going through a tough time right now. They are still the same person that you know & love. So, keep including them in social activities that you normally would ask them to join in with.
5) Ask how you can help.
Do not try to presume what they might want/need. Just give them the space to say to you what they need by just asking.
And remember to see the person behind the behaviour. Instead of asking “what’s wrong with you” & the limitations with that thought process, see the person & instead you could think “what happened to you, who are you, what’s your story, what are you trying to tell me?”
We can create change. Our brains are plastic. They can be positively and negatively shaped, moulded & influenced. If we were all more in the knowledge of the how & why behind emotions & behaviours think what a different world this could be. We could all work together to break the cycle that exists with mental health and could create a movement that is more inclusive, accepting, safe & less judgemental, with less mentalism of emotional expression, vulnerability, compassion, empathy & connection.
This has got to be worth a try right? Are you with me?
